Alone...
I realized today that I have no confidante.
My boyfriend and I are having trouble, I can't talk to him about it because he starts to cry. I can't handle when he starts to cry. He's so great. He's wonderful to me. He's very loving and very kind. When I make him cry because of my feelings regarding our relationship I can't escape the blame and I feel horrible. When he cries he rips my heart out. It's my fault he feels this way. If only I loved him as much as he loves me this could be fixed. I don't. He loves me so whole heartedly and he has put his entire being into our relationship and I just can't. I don't know why. I do love him. (If you read this blog you won't believe that, but I really do.) I can't seem to get right into it I've been half out examining the relationship from the outside since the beginning. It wasn't such a big deal before. I looked in and saw someone completely in love, someone who could comfortably picture forever, someone who was satisfied emotionally as well as physically. Now I feel trapped and alone because I'm isolated from him. I can't talk to him because I'm afraid of his tears, I can't get any room because we live together, and I can't get out of that situation until the lease is up in August.
I can't talk to my best friends about it: One is in Jamaica and is not usually in front of a computer, one is in love with me and it hurts her to talk to me about my current relationships (I love her and I can't hurt her anymore), and one is living with my boyfriend and I and he would get worried about the lease and the house vibe and the chores and so many other things if I told him. I feel sick when I think about talking to any of these friends.
I started to talk to someone really important to me online about it but he has his share of problems and though my problems are expressed it doesn't feel like they are removed from my chest. He's been very understanding and it is nice to know that someone still cares about me even after the anger that existed between us before. I don't think he'd be comfortable to know that he is the only person I can talk to right now and it's hard because I want physical consolation, I want to break down and cry into someone's chest, I want for them to help me let it all out, and for them to remind me that I am important. This person can't give me that, he lives back in the town I've just moved from, and even if we did live close it would be awkward for us to have that type of interaction.
I'm really nervous about putting things in my blog, it feels so exposed, and also empty. I need someone to hold my secrets that can interact with me because most of my problems are a result of my being unable to sort through my own thoughts. It is my hope that even though my blog cannot help me in my need for physical comfort it may help me in my need to sort my thoughts out so that I can properly understand myself.
My boyfriend and I are having trouble, I can't talk to him about it because he starts to cry. I can't handle when he starts to cry. He's so great. He's wonderful to me. He's very loving and very kind. When I make him cry because of my feelings regarding our relationship I can't escape the blame and I feel horrible. When he cries he rips my heart out. It's my fault he feels this way. If only I loved him as much as he loves me this could be fixed. I don't. He loves me so whole heartedly and he has put his entire being into our relationship and I just can't. I don't know why. I do love him. (If you read this blog you won't believe that, but I really do.) I can't seem to get right into it I've been half out examining the relationship from the outside since the beginning. It wasn't such a big deal before. I looked in and saw someone completely in love, someone who could comfortably picture forever, someone who was satisfied emotionally as well as physically. Now I feel trapped and alone because I'm isolated from him. I can't talk to him because I'm afraid of his tears, I can't get any room because we live together, and I can't get out of that situation until the lease is up in August.
I can't talk to my best friends about it: One is in Jamaica and is not usually in front of a computer, one is in love with me and it hurts her to talk to me about my current relationships (I love her and I can't hurt her anymore), and one is living with my boyfriend and I and he would get worried about the lease and the house vibe and the chores and so many other things if I told him. I feel sick when I think about talking to any of these friends.
I started to talk to someone really important to me online about it but he has his share of problems and though my problems are expressed it doesn't feel like they are removed from my chest. He's been very understanding and it is nice to know that someone still cares about me even after the anger that existed between us before. I don't think he'd be comfortable to know that he is the only person I can talk to right now and it's hard because I want physical consolation, I want to break down and cry into someone's chest, I want for them to help me let it all out, and for them to remind me that I am important. This person can't give me that, he lives back in the town I've just moved from, and even if we did live close it would be awkward for us to have that type of interaction.
I'm really nervous about putting things in my blog, it feels so exposed, and also empty. I need someone to hold my secrets that can interact with me because most of my problems are a result of my being unable to sort through my own thoughts. It is my hope that even though my blog cannot help me in my need for physical comfort it may help me in my need to sort my thoughts out so that I can properly understand myself.
posted by Morning at 4:05 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home