Mel

Later today my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is coming for the week to stay in our house.

My feelings for this woman are confusing at best. I really like her. She's funny, witty, charming, and very helpful. She's a lot of fun to be around and she likes me. (It's really hard to dislike someone who likes you.) But she also told me at the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend that she intended on getting him back eventually, and that his being with me was merely a temporary situation that she would ride out. This REALLY bothered me at the beginning but then I realized that I had no reason to worry because I had no reason to mistrust my boyfriend. Her advances on him stopped bothering me.

Now she is gaining his favour. He and I are having problems, and the knowledge that she still loves him comforts me. I comforts me because I know that if I give up she will console him and he will be OK. It relieves me to know that he will be OK regardless of whether or not I can make it work.

But when I'm feeling in a particularily poor mood and my boyfriend begins to speak on her virtues it hurts SO MUCH! I don't know why it does. I can't figure it out. I like this woman, I'm happy her and my boyfriend have retained their friendship but it stings when he talks about her liking to cook or clean for him in such a happy way and I look around at the messy apartment that I cleaned two days previous, and think back to the crappy dinners we've made because I don't enjoy cooking. I feel inadequite.

It'll be fine. It's just a week.

Alone...

I realized today that I have no confidante.

My boyfriend and I are having trouble, I can't talk to him about it because he starts to cry. I can't handle when he starts to cry. He's so great. He's wonderful to me. He's very loving and very kind. When I make him cry because of my feelings regarding our relationship I can't escape the blame and I feel horrible. When he cries he rips my heart out. It's my fault he feels this way. If only I loved him as much as he loves me this could be fixed. I don't. He loves me so whole heartedly and he has put his entire being into our relationship and I just can't. I don't know why. I do love him. (If you read this blog you won't believe that, but I really do.) I can't seem to get right into it I've been half out examining the relationship from the outside since the beginning. It wasn't such a big deal before. I looked in and saw someone completely in love, someone who could comfortably picture forever, someone who was satisfied emotionally as well as physically. Now I feel trapped and alone because I'm isolated from him. I can't talk to him because I'm afraid of his tears, I can't get any room because we live together, and I can't get out of that situation until the lease is up in August.

I can't talk to my best friends about it: One is in Jamaica and is not usually in front of a computer, one is in love with me and it hurts her to talk to me about my current relationships (I love her and I can't hurt her anymore), and one is living with my boyfriend and I and he would get worried about the lease and the house vibe and the chores and so many other things if I told him. I feel sick when I think about talking to any of these friends.

I started to talk to someone really important to me online about it but he has his share of problems and though my problems are expressed it doesn't feel like they are removed from my chest. He's been very understanding and it is nice to know that someone still cares about me even after the anger that existed between us before. I don't think he'd be comfortable to know that he is the only person I can talk to right now and it's hard because I want physical consolation, I want to break down and cry into someone's chest, I want for them to help me let it all out, and for them to remind me that I am important. This person can't give me that, he lives back in the town I've just moved from, and even if we did live close it would be awkward for us to have that type of interaction.

I'm really nervous about putting things in my blog, it feels so exposed, and also empty. I need someone to hold my secrets that can interact with me because most of my problems are a result of my being unable to sort through my own thoughts. It is my hope that even though my blog cannot help me in my need for physical comfort it may help me in my need to sort my thoughts out so that I can properly understand myself.

Questions

So Hi,
My roomate and I were talking about Lucifer and God.
I thought that because Lucifer was banished for insighting change, conciousness, and moral responsibility in humans he may not be the evil force that he is depicted to be.
This thought crossed my mind was because of season 4 of Angel. In Angel season 4 Jasmine does not perform evil acts and does not allow anyone else to perform evil acts. All Jasmine allows anyone to do is love her and each other while contributing to the greater cause of fighting demons. Angel defeats Jasmine because he believes that free will and responsibility were more important than world peace.
Just as God wished us not to be plagued with such unpleasent things as hate, free will, conciousness, or evil. Lucifer trusted the human race to deal with the choice to think evil thoughts and do evil deeds and along with that the responsibility for those deeds. Lucifer was banished to hell for this wish where he stays in eternal torment.
So if you were a soul in some metaphysical place which would you choose, God's world with only goodness and love and therefore no free will, or our world now with Lucifer's wish fulfilled?
Would you prefer to live here, as you are, whether or not you care about being redeemed in the eyes of God?
I would rather be here and have control over my own destiny, I don't need redemption.